


Father Christmas

by Dragaeth



Series: Oneshots [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, I regret everything, Multi, Voldemort has daddy issues, incest i guess, is this cursed? Probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:13:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28326612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dragaeth/pseuds/Dragaeth
Summary: Father Christmas is the biological father of everyone who has magic.
Relationships: Ron/his family, Voldemort & santa
Series: Oneshots [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2015170
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	Father Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> I regret many things

On Christmas morning, all around the wizarding world, everyone woke up to find a certain special letter. Many of them opened them curiously and read each letter with increasing dread. It was from Father Christmas. Like, their biological father. As in, the married fathers fucking their wives was what triggered childbirth and their wives were somewhat like Virgin Mary, but not really. Every Christmas, that magic man would fuck the witches and oblivate them to ensure their child had magic, because Santa was the origin of everything magical and didn't want magic to die out. Squibs existed because he accidentally missed an appointment, and muggleborns existed because it wasn't Christmas yet and he got horny. He sent the letter because he didn't want to see his CHILDREN murder each other like what happened in the first war.

When Harry finished the letter, he was imagining his most hated... _brothers_ reaction. He blinked. He shut his curtains to have an existential crisis. Voldemort was his brother (wands!!). Draco Malfoy was his brother. He burst out laughing hysterically, having just imagined Malfoy outrageously shout ‘my father will hear about this!’ at the letter with Santa appearing randomly and saying ‘yes?’ as Malfoy ran off in terror. 

Little did he know, that's almost exactly what happened. Draco Malfoy used Snape’s floo to get to Malfoy Manor to rant to his father, in which he did. He ranted to Father Christmas who was under polyjuice and he ran for his life- er, sanity. 

Hermione was horrified that Father Christmas would rape people and decidedly hated him and Christmas and everything. She may take influence from the grinch. 

Ron was...Ron as Ron. Now, if everything was incest, could he do certain things...with his family…?

Voldemort, in the meantime, was simply stunned. He had a father. A living, breathing, sort of a superior being for a father. He didn't know that everyone else got the same letter because he was an utter loner with no friends. He immediately wrote to Father Christmas, expressing his excitement and hope to be cared for by the being. 

When Dumbledore finished his letter, he simply let out a sigh of relief. It seems that war has been avoided for now. After all, blood didn't matter anymore. Pure bloods and muggleborns were on the same level of power, and not even muggles were spared from..receiving magic. They were just children of Father Christmas. They were all siblings. Oh dear, was his...thing with Gellert considered incest? Everything was incest. Oh dear. 

**Author's Note:**

> Did I say I hate myself? Because I hate myself


End file.
